An Unpleasant Suprise
by Hestia Ember
Summary: Max and Fang go rather Cucko when they learn who might play them, thank's to Max's odd fetish with gossip magazines. Written for Anti-Hardwicke Day, whenever it is.


**Hiya people! I've come to the conclusion that when I don't have to actually talk to people, just type to them, I'm like Nudge. I go on, and on, and on. But anyway, Happy Anti-Hardwicke day! I don't even know if it was yesterday or today, but, whatever. I'm just going to do this. It's a fanfiction where Max and Fang know about the books, because Max wrote them (James Patterson is her pen name) and they are both pissed at Catherine Hardwicke for trying to get Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattingson to play them. And so they protest outside of her office for a while, then go to see her. And end up having extremely good unknowns play them. Well here it goes!**

**Cience: Aren't you forgetting something, Hestia?**

**Oh, right! People, this is my imaginary friend, Conscience. I call her Cience for short. Pleas don't ask, okay?**

**Cience: No, I meant the _other_ thing.**

**Oh.**

**Disclaimer: I do not, never have, and never will, own the Maximum Ride series. If I did, I would have a tutor and not go to school because I am socially challenged (I'm shy. Big time). Also, I don't own Catherine Hardwicke. I do not know her personality, I do not know her motives for wanting Pattingson and Stewart to play Max and Fang, and I don't want to be accused of slander or anything. I have no idea what so ever of what Catherine Hardwicke is like. This is a work of Fanfiction. Now, as Greyskys would say… Onward!**

It was supposed to be a typical Saturday morning. The Flock was up, Iggy was making pancakes, so Max and Fang had decided to make themselves useful by going grocery shopping. However, it all changed when they entered the checkout line in the supermarket. Fang had insisted on being a manly man by loading the food on, and then paying for it, so Max was busying herself scanning for potential threats.

Like gossip magazines.

"Hmm…" Max muttered, wondering which one to persuade Fang to buy. _Should it be the one with Brittney Spears on the cover, or the one with Rob Pattingson, who happens to be pretty darn hot in that picture?_ Two minutes later, after heated debate with Fang, they were in the car, with him behind the wheel, and her next to it, holding the bag that held the gossip magazine like it held the world's best candy. Max had a strange secret fetish for gossip magazines. Fang and Angel had been sworn to secrecy.

As soon as they were on the road back to the hotel they were staying at, she ripped open the bag. And then, promptly screamed in outrage.

"Holy $%&!!! Fang, pull over!!! Stop the %*^&*^& car!!!" Fang pulled over and stopped the car.

"Max, what the hell is wrong with you?" She shoved the gossip magazine in his face.

She watched as the blood drained from it.

"PATTINGSON CAN'T PLAY ME! HE'S TOO OLD! HE'S A %*^&*^# BLOND! HE HAS A FIVE O'CLOCK IN ALL THE PAPPARAZZI SHOTS!" Max nodded solemnly.

"AND KRISTEN STEWART IS TOO OLD ALSO! SHE HAS BLACK HAIR! SHE CAN'T KICK %*& LIKE YOU!" Max grinned.

"Why thank you Fang! Anyway, I suggest we go to her office and protest while we're in town. You?" Fang nodded vigorously. "Do not drive like a madman, okay? I'll call the Flock and let them know what's going on." As Fang sped off as fast as law would allow, Max thanked whatever deity out there for her mother's forceful tactics of making each member of the Flock buy cell phones.

Twenty minutes later, there was a crowd of Maximum Ride fans, as well as Max and Fang, crowded in front of Catherine Hardwicke's office. It was a dangerous force, armed with cardboard signs, chewing gum, and soda cans. That is, of course, why it made perfect sense for the security to call the police. However, before they could show up, the crowd lifted Max and Fang up onto their shoulders, and gave them signs that said:

(MAX)

I will NOT be acted out bye an actress who you're only willing to hire because she's hit the big time big. It is stupid, and unfair. Also, she's way to old to play me.

(FANG)

I REFUSE to be played by a twenty-something year old who's blond and always has a 5'oclock in the paparazzi shots!

When the police forced the crowd away from the office, Security Guards brought Max and Fang inside. They then had a meeting with Catherine Hardwicke and the person they had paid to act out Max's pen name, James Patterson. They returned to the hotel extremely pleased with themselves. One year later, the movie came out, and every single one of the Flock were extremely talented unknowns.

**Sorry if this wasn't the best I've ever written, my friends, but it's three twenty in the morning, and I felt the need to get it done. Please review, even if Fang is OOC. I'll probably fix it later today.**


End file.
